So, our first attempt to make a baby did not end in pregnancy. I have to admit, when I put my mind to something, I go hard core- I've always been this way, and I probably always will be. When I decide to do something, I really go for it. My period started today and it's a bit disappointing esp. after feeling like we did everything right. I have been off birth control for 4 months now, so figured that is out of my system. I have totally cut out caffeine from my diet- which I have to tell you has been a struggle certain days- I just crave it. We made love almost every night, focusing esp. on the days I was "ovulating". I just don't know what else we could do- and well, part of me feels like we failed. But the Lord says, no child, you did not fail, I'm in charge- and my timing is perfect, and what I have for you, my plans for you are even better- so this month wasn't the time for you, try again next month and depend on me for that child you are praying for, not upon yourself.
I think probably if anything keeps us from getting pregnant over time- it will be me- my constant worry, obsession over things- can get the best of me. I don't want to obsess but I often do. I want to let go and let God. I'm not good at this at all- having control of my life somehow is comforting to me and my lack of trust in all things, sadly includes my Lord, my Savior. If there is anyone I should allow myself to trust, it should be my Lord. Above all else, it is He who gave me life, he who sustains me, he who loves me.
In about a week Dave and I will begin trying again for a baby- month #2 of trying. I want to remember this time, remember what it was like and that is why I am blogging all of it. I have no idea how long it will take, but I do know that one day we can look back on this and see God's hands at work. The analyzer I am, I want to remember the emotion, the feeling, the excitement, the fear I had during all of this. My mind wonders down the road- what will be like when we have a baby, will we be good parents, will it strengthen our marriage or make it harder, and the list goes on. The lord knows we both have a passion for children and the Lord knows when will be ready for the ever so important life changing moment in life when we find out we are to have our first child. I trust that He will allow it to happen when we are ready, and pray for that- Lord, when we are ready, please bless us with such a blessing- a child, a healthy child, a happy child. A child that we want to know you and tell him about you, and show him that love through our marriage and love on him. Lord, give us patience as we wait for that moment to find out. Lord, grant us wisdom with all the decisions that are ahead with being a parent. Lord, grant us a strong marriage and the strength to work through things. Help us to commit more to each other daily and to grow in love so our child may have a strong home to grow up in and see you resembled in our marriage. Lord, give us confidence in raising a child and what to do in certain situations. And Lord, help us to know and discern how to involve our parents, how to enjoy getting advice from them and enjoy updating them on our children. Teach us to put each other first always, above the child, and let the child not come between us.
Thank you Lord for hearing my prayer.
Amen.
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