What a day- an eventful day- that I did not plan.  2 days ago, my typical preperiod spotting began- very light spotting.  And then today was the first true cramping and a little more flow.  I woke up with some cramping and took motrin to manage the pain as I usually do.  By the time I got to work the pain was worsening.  I laid in my car for 10 minutes hoping that it would pass by the time I walked into work, but no such luck.  So, I went inside and tried to go along with my normal routine in the morning of setting things up for the day.  However, the pain continued to worsen and so my manager advised me to go lay down because I was looking pale.  I took her advice- because the pain was still escalating.  After lying there about 30 minutes, the doctor advised I take another Motrin since there was still no relief.   So I did, and proceeded to lay there praying the pain would subside, but still no relief.  I got up to go to the bathroom and as I got up felt even more faint and weak.  My manager went to get the doctors since I was looking worse at this point and they started taking vitals and after discovering my pulse to be weak and unable to get a blood pressure reading- my doctor told them to call 911.  He was so worried about me. 
So, I am pale, weak, in a ton of pain, and pretty lifeless at this point.  So, they lay me on the exam table and start poking me for a blood sugar and CBC, while still trying to obtain  my blood pressure.  They also get the doctor across the hall to come look at me.  The ambulance arrives and another 5 people start asking me questions and assessing me.  Of course asking me questions while I'm half-conscious at this point.  I had called Dave just 10 minutes prior to come pick me up knowing I couldn't work or drive home and since he was working from home today it was perfect for him to come get me.  Well, he got there just in time to find out they had called the ambulance and were loading me onto the ambulance.  I was so relieved he got there in time.  I was so out of it, I didn't get to tell him all that was going on. 
Dave gets on the ambulance with me, and I'm thinking to myself is this really happening- what is going on?  The pain is well above a 10 at this point and as they get me onto the ambulance they begin poking me once again to start not one but two IV's.  They felt that since my Blood pressure and heart rate were so low- they needed to bolus me with fluids to try to raise it.  Oh yes, I also had a big mask on my face for oxygen.  I was a mess, truly. 
They get the IV's started and the EMT looks at me and says I'm sorry I can't give you anything for pain, your heart rate and blood pressure are way too low to do that.  I understand her reasoning, but would really like someone to take the pain away.  We ride to the hospital and I'm so cold I begin shaking.  I must have looked like a wreck- I was not well. 
We finally arrive at the hospital where they put me in a room and proceed to take my shirt off and put a gown on me, along with the leads all over my chest and abdomen to monitor my heart rate, a blood pressure cuff on my arm to monitor that, a pulse ox probe on my finger to monitor my oxygen and the IV fluids are still running.  I felt like i was hooked up to a million things at this point. 
Lots of waiting after this- more blood draws, a CT Scan and lots of peeing later from all the IV fluids.  The pain subsided and relief came.  The Dr. attributed the pain to another ruptured ovarian cyst. 
I mean I've had these in the past- and I had a feeling that's what it was.  In fact, I felt silly going in an ambulance and all.  But the doctors felt that with my vitals so low- they felt I needed to be transported via ambulance for continuous monitoring. 
I mean after a day like today, I am back to thinking about for sure doing the laproscopy procedure.  I mean if this might be causing our infertility- then It's worth doing.   And supposedly it would help this pain and these cyst too- and that would be good news. 
I'm going to call my OB tomorrow and see about getting the surgery set up.  It makes me nervous, but I think this put me over the edge and feel that it's the right thing to do at this point.  If getting that scarring cleaned up will help us have a baby- then I'm ready to do it.
I'm home and doing better- Dave was by my side the whole time and although he didn't show much emotion today, he admitted that he was scared of what was going to happen.  He just kept telling me in the ambulance- be strong, be strong.  You're going to be ok.  I was so glad he was there with me- I squeezed his hand a lot today.  Reminds me of how blessed i am to have such a wonderful man- by my side always.  He got me through today.

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Savior He can move a mountain.
Today in church we had an amazing worship time.  As we were singing I was reminded of the mighty power of God.  God can do absolutely anything.  Of course I know that- but it's so so easy to forget the power He has and moreso, the power of the holy spirit in me.  We were singing Savior, He can move a mountain and those words lately speak volumes to my doubtful heart that wonders if He really can get us pregnant.  But when I sing those words and know that my Savior can move a mountain, getting me pregnant is so minor to him. He's completely capable of doing that- why do I doubt?  Why do I forget so often that He is all powerful.

Jeremiah 27:5
With my great strength and powerful arm I made the earth and all its people and every animal. I can give these things of mine to anyone I choose.

He is not limited by anything. 

Again, as we began singing- we were singing a song about compassion.  The compassion of Christ.  All I heard was you are compassionate- you feel for things a lot of people don't.  I gave you that heart for a reason.  I gave you that extra dose of compassion for a reason.  You can love people in a special way - you could love a child that you didn't birth.  Some people cannot, but you could. It was very clear and I just heard- you would be ok if you adopted.  Don't doubt that you wouldn't' love a child because you didn't give birth to them.  You would love them just as much. 

Perhaps God keeps giving me little tidbits.  I am really asking for a clear sign, because these little messages are nice, but I need a clear sign that it is what He wants.  I just don't want my heart to grow impatient and do anything out of the wrong motives.  So, I keep praying for clarity and direction with what I am hearing.

Back in June, I shared with you in a blog and youtube video called  You can't Take Away by Mikeschair and it really spoke to me at the time and where we were in this journey.  They just recently put out a new song called Let The Waters Rise and again it spoke to my heart as we continue on this journey.  It reminds me that no matter what happens with all of this, I will follow the Lord.  Whatever he wants, is ultimately what I want.  And, that He will always be enough.  Lord, Let the waters rise if you want them to, I will follow you.

Let The Waters Rise.

Don't know where to begin
It's like my world's caving in
And I tried but i can't control my fear
Where do I go from here

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
You feel so far away
I am willing to go where You want me to
God I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding on to You

God your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You