Today in Sunday School and again in service-  the topic was suffering well.  How can we suffer well?  It's not something any of us want to think about or even let our minds wonder off to.  But it was just what I needed to hear today.  I needed to be reminded that God is always good.  Life takes us to places and things happens that are bad, but God does not change- even amidst our suffering, He is there.  The question is- how do we suffer.  Am I using my story as a testimony to others- does my suffering point to God.  They showed us a story today about a 33yr. old man who was diagnosed with colon cancer.  A man who had been married 11 years and dearly loved his wife.  A man with three children he adored.  A man who never thought he would get cancer and esp. at such a young age.  This man shared his story and his story is now changing lives because he decided to suffer well.  He decided to declare God as good even though his life was ending.  You see his cancer went away for a short while but then returned and worse then it was before.  He passed 4 weeks ago and his story will be shared with people all over the world now.  What does his story say- it points to God - and his goodness.  A man who died too young for any of us to understand- decided to praise God and live his life out for God's glory.  His story is a legacy and as I sat in service crying after seeing him speak on a video he made before he died, I couldn't help but think of how I'm using my life, my story, my hurts and sorrows.  Lord, help me to suffer well. Help me to tell my story and be a testimony to many. 
Well, after waiting what seemed like forever.  My period finally came on day 29.  For me, that'a long cycle.  But again, could be because of the surgery and my body just a little weird from it.  I have to say I was hopeful but after about 6 negative pregnancy test while I was waiting for it to arrive, I had told myself it was just late due to surgery.  So, I wasn't overly disappointed this month.  Well, don't get me wrong- I had it all planned in my mind how this would be the perfect month- with Dave's birthday and Father's Day, but any month will do as long as it happens. 
I guess I'm still going on Dr. Lucas's words of encouragement when he told me a few months he expect a pregnancy.  I am not quite sure I can even fathom that in my mind.  I've played through it in my mind over and over- what will i do when the pregnancy test actually says pregnant or I see two lines.  I know in my heart I will be so overjoyed- I will cry.  I think I may be a little shocked and not believe it- so I will take numerous test just to prove to myself it is indeed true.  And hopefully I will still be able to surprise Dave like I have always wanted to.  This of course involves taking the test under the sneak and keeping my mouth shut until I see him or feel that I have the perfect moment to tell him.  I really can't wait.  Just thinking about it makes me smile. 
We attended a different church today to support our friends as they dedicated their baby to Christ.   The few I've been to have been such a special day for the family and friends.  I think it was harder to watch today because I know my period is coming or at least I think it will be here any day now.   We were so thrilled to be a part of the day, but my heart was heavy to think about the day we might have the privelage to dedicate our child to the Lord. 
          The sermon hit home as the pastor took us to Samuel and the story of Hannah.  Talk about hearing the Lord speak to you.  He read the entire chapter about Hannah and her inability to conceive and how she prayed fervently to God to give her a child and if he did she would give him back to the Lord.  I sat there in the pew thinking, could I do that.  Hannah followed through and when the Lord granted her request to have a child- he gave her a son- Samuel and she gave him back to the Lord just as she said she would.  I don't know if I could do that, but I sat there thinking to myself- I have prayed over and over to God that if he gave us a child we would raise them in the way of the Lord.  We would love them and provide for them and teach them about the Lord.  What more can I promise  to you Lord I wonder.  Apparently I can promise more- Hannah did.  She gave her child up to the Lord.  It made me think of raising our child one day and because they will know the Lord and be God's servant- they will follow God's calling in their life and that may be difficult for me to accept one day- esp. if it seems dangerous or silly to us the parents.  I sat there praying- prepare us God for the child you give us- and all the plans that you already have for that child- that I may be able to accept them and encourage them to follow you - whatever it is they want to do.  How hard it must be as a parent to do such a thing.  I can only imagine what that must be like to watch a child grow and trust God with their life and what He does with it.  Oh I have such a long way to go in trusting God- and I feel that having a child will only teach me that lesson even more- in ways I don't even know yet.  
            Lord, there is so much beyond what I can see.  I'm so glad to know you have a plan- and you know our hearts and are working on us and preparing us to be parents to the children you give us one day.  I know that you have big plans for each of them already and I pray that you are already preparing me for those plans- that I may be a supportive, encouraging, and loving mother.  That I may not hold them back from serving you in any way even if it's not what I had in mind for them.  Oh Lord, prepare me for I know that parenthood is going to challenge me like nothing else. 
Today is Day 27- no signs of my period yet.  No spotting which is very odd to me- however, I wonder if I won't spot anymore due to the surgery- like since they removed the endometriosis I won't spot anymore because that's what was causing it.  I don't know.  It's just odd.  I've had some lower back pain and weird cramps for the past 1.5 weeks.  Not sure what this is- but thought it was my period.  The past 4 days I have taken pregnancy test because I am so inpatient and can't wait til I am supposed to.  Each of these has been negative. 
Tomorrrow will be the day- I feel like I am either going to start bleeding or I will get a positive pregnancy test.  Surely by Day 28 one or the other will occur.  I would be overwhelmed with joy if it happened the same month as my surgery- what a miracle.  But if it doesn't, I am still hopeful that the coming months will bring us a pregnancy.  I'll fill you in tomorrow.  I wait for now.........................
So, today was my follow-up appt. with Dr. Lucas following surgery.  I was excited to go in to talk to him about the surgery, about the plans, what I can expect.  I had a bunch of questions and I wanted him to go over my pictures and show me where the endometriosis was located.  Looking at the pictures it was hard to tell where it actually was.  
       I went in to the appt. happy and excited, more hopeful.  Dr. Lucas checked my incisions and told me I was recovering well.  Everything looked good.  Then he showed me the endometriosis on the pictures- very small but black tiny spots.  It was interesting to see how tiny it looked but how much pain it actually can cause.  It's unbelievable that something so small can cause so much pain.  He told me he was very hopeful that in the next 3 months I would fall pregnant.  I couldn't hide the smile on my face when he said this.  I told him I was a couple days away from my period, but no spotting yet.  Spotting he said?  I said yes, I always get spotting days 24-27 prior to my period.  It's like my sign that it's coming.  He said you shouldnt' get that- that's too short of a luteal phase.  So, then he proceeded to tell me he thought I should get on prometrium (progesterone supplement) to help sustain a pregnancy.  So, come next month after I ovulate- I will begin taking prometrium 3 days after I ovulate to help my body's progesterone level elevate to sustain a pregnancy.  Angi took it- and told me I would feel pregnant, Dr. Lucas told me it's totally natural and I wouldn't even know I was on it.  We'll see. 
Overall the appt. went well.  I am confident and encouraged.  I feel like it really is going to happen now.  More waiting, but waiting confidently and with expectation Lord.
Sam texted and informed me that she was pregnant.  This is the dear friend I blogged about last time that just told me she thought they were having problems conceiving just the other night.  And I was all excited to start a club for the three of us.  I am so happy for her, but have to admit it's still hard.  I had just opened up to her and told her how long we had been trying.  So, they are fairly early in the process, but I do rejoice with her in this exciting news and am excited to share in this experience with her even if I am not pregnant. 
On another side note, Christine had an appt. the other day with her midwife and was told her uterus was particularly large at this stage in the pregnancy.  Christine had said this pregnancy has felt a little different than the other two.  Well, the midwife proceeded to tell her that there is a slight chance that this could mean twins.  It's not 100% yet at this point, but just going by the size of the uterus, it's a possibility.  I didn't known how to take the news.  I mean, for someone who can't even get pregnant with one, it's a bit of bittersweet news to know your sister is not only fertile mertile, but that she might be carrying multiples now.  I just want to say to God- Life isn't fair.  But I know that  His plans for us our different and I can't compare our story to theirs or even say it's not fair, because I do want his plans.  I do want what he wants.  And I am happy for my sister- I pray that however many are in her belly- that they are healthy.  We joked with her and Rick- that we would take one of the twins if they have them.   They have decided to give us the one that doesn't sleep well- we laughed.  At this point, I would take a baby that doesn't sleep well- each time that baby cries- I will be reminded that it really happened, and that I am really a mom.  Oh for the reality of it all.