Today was one of those moments I cherished. It was something so small, but something God must have known I needed. It came at the perfect time for me since my period showed up this AM. I had friends in town this weekend visiting from nursing school. So, I was going to miss the nursery with Dave. I look forward to nursery and feel it’s an incredible blessing to go hold kids, love on kids, and play with kids every other week. So, I was a little sad I was going to miss out on that time. But God had something even better for me this morning, a unexpected blessing.
Two of our friends had brought their goddaughter to Sunday School with them. During Sunday School they were presenting their recent mission trip and had to go up front to do so. I offered to hold their goddaughter while they went up front. She was so precious- such a quiet spirit. She immediately cuddle into my arms and fell asleep. She was slightly congested and so after a while – she began snoring- everyone around us began to turn around to see what the noise was coming from. It was so precious. I loved every minute of it.
During class, they showed a slideshow of the mission trip. Of course it included many pictures of children. It broke my heart seeing these children- many so unloved and without parents. It didn’t help holding this precious life in my arms as I watched. Soon tears were rolling down my cheeks and I began to think once again if adoption is what God has in store for us. My heart truly does break for children who don’t experience love every day. Dave and I have so much love to give to a child and yet here we are waiting and waiting, and yet no child.
I feel a little more accepting towards adoption then where I was months ago since we have now taken steps to help me get pregnant and yet we’re still not succeeding. I know that God will make it clearer and clearer and when we come to that decision we will know it is his plan for us. In the meantime, I pray for wisdom in what he wants us to be doing now. I know that loving children is definitely something we are called to do and we have found ways to do that, but it just doesn’t seem like enough. I want to do more.
So, you've seen some of my youtube postings in previous blogs, and they inspired me to make my own. I posted it under our story- check it out. It captures what we're going through.
I wanted to post another email from my sister who is praying for us and encouraging me along our journey. Here it is...................
Yesterday I felt led to read Romans during the fast and of course you were top on my list for praying. I thought of you with these passages:
"As it is written: "I have made you a father of many nations." He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were.Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."
Ref. Romans 9:9 "For this was how the promise was stated: "At the appointed time I will return, and Sarah will have a son."
God's promise is that no man nor woman will be barren (Deut. 7:14) and that the barren woman can be a joyful mother of children (Psalm 139:9). Proclaim that truth and promise (I will believe it with you)!
I know you probably have heard that but try to be encouraged but God's word! I know He has great plans for you and your family!
I love you, Christine
Today Dave and I had nursery. It was great as always- we enjoy those kids so much. I feel like some of them are my own- as we have watched them go from 8 months old to now almost 2 yr old. It's amazing how much they change and learn. And I discipline them like my own for sure- some of them look for trouble. After nursery Dave and I decided to go to service for worship and then head out since we are prepping for the party tonight. When we walked into service, we sat behind our old neighbors from when we lived at the town house. I wasn't paying much attention and didn't even see them, and Dave whispered to me- are they pregnant in front of us? My heart sank, I didn't even want to look up to see who it was he was talking about- I just couldn't hanlde it. So I did - and it was our old neighbors- and she was showing pretty good. Of course then we had to sing this song that made me tear up. But God gave me a verse at that time during service that reminded me He is God.
Psalm 73:26- My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever.
Christine emailed me today - she has been such an encouragement to me and I wanted to post her email in her...........
I just wanted to say Im praying for you! I know you and Dave have been praying without ceasing for a baby. I can't say that I understand the longing or the frustrations that go along with trying. I have been begging God to give you my ability to conceive and to make you a joyful mother of children! I know you are sick of hearing stay faithful and it will happen all in God's timing. Thats annoying and doesnt really help... only makes you wonder why God is taking so long. Just know that Im praying for you and I know in my heart that I will be an aunt someday...hopefully to twin girls! Im fasting Wednesday and this will be one of my top prayers for the day. I love you!
Call me anytime!
So Karen has posted many a blogs about her thoughts on our journey of trying to have kids. I thought it might help me understand how I feel about our journey if I were to just start typing. So here goes.
I have always remembered wanting to be a father. I was asked after high school at some point by my Grandpa what I wanted to do with my life. I simply said "be a husband and a father." Well, the husband thing took a long time, so should I expect the father role to take a while also? It seems everything I have hoped and longed for has taken more time than I thought or hoped it would. I always wanted to have lots of time with my wife and be a young/cool dad (since I have never been considered "cool.")
Well, since I got married just before I turned 30, I can still have that time with Karen, but it is always in the back of my head that we cannot wait too much longer to have kids or else they'll be graduating high school when I am 70. I joke about it sometimes, but I seriously don't want to be that old. I want to be be able to enjoy grandkids for as long as possible. My Grandpa is still around and I am 33 (he is 80 something) and I know seeing his grandkids is the single most enjoyable thing in his life.
So how do I feel about our current place in life? It is missing children in it to make it complete. We have been trying sine January of 2009 and have had no luck, not even a false positive to give us some glimpse of hope. My wife is amazing with kids and all of them she is around are touched by who she is. I also know I have a huge desire to have them and hold them and see them grow up.
So, am I mad at God? My Wife? Life? I give an emphatic NO to all of them. While I am frustrated and speak my mind to God, I do my best to be an encouragement to my wife. I cannot be angry at either of them because God is in full control of all things in this world and I know that He knows a whole lot better what is best for us than I ever will. And Karen, bless her heart, has researched about everything possbile in regards to childbirth, conception, and the right timing on it all. I am glad she knows these things and lets me know.
It boils down to this...my heart. My heart says "God, please hurry up and bring us this blessing. Why are you delaying?"
So, I figure it's time to get out all my fears and just be totally honest. So here it goes. My fears are...........
*that I will watch all my friends get pregnant and have children, and I will still not be pregnant and even worse watch their kids grow up.
*that God knew I wouldn't be able to have children and so he led me to a job that would fulfill my need to love on children
*that I will grow jealous of family and friends who do have children
* that I will lose faith in God because I just can't understand why he's not allowing this
* that I will grow more and more uneasy that we aren't getting pregnant because God does have a reason- and it's very bad
*that Dave and I become so obsessed with trying we lose sight of each other in the process
*that my surgery was pointless and really didn't make a difference
* that I will never experience childbirth
* that I will never hear - I love you Mom
* that if we do have a child I will be overprotective because we worked so hard to bring them into this world
* that Dave will love me less because I can't give him a child - one of the first things I knew about him- was his love for children and that he wanted to have 5 one day
* that we are meant to adopt and not sure I feel ready for that or if I am capable of loving a child that much that I did not conceive myself
* that if I do get pregnant something will go terribly wrong
* that God doesn't think we're ready to be parents
* that God is trying to tecach me something and I'm just not getting it
There's a lot of fears that run around in my mind. I guess I fear it's not meant to be but guess I'm not in the place where I feel I
can accept that just yet. I still really feel like I am going to be a mom someday. I'm not sure when or how it might work out, but I just know in my heart I am.
Dave and I got to go home and visit my family over the 4th of July. We were originally going home for a friend's wedding but it was postponed to a later date. So, we got to spend some quality time with my mom, sister, brother-n-law and nephews. I flew down a few days before Dave- so I was able to enjoy my nephews a bunch. And I even got to baby-sit them for a bit while Christine and Rick went to a wedding. We had fun in the sprinkler outside. Cristian just sat there drinking it and Rick would ocassionally run through it. I was probably more entertained then them. I loved every second. They sure do wear me out though. I was ready for bed at 10p.
My period was due any day while I was home, so I brought some pregnancy test with me to test while I was home. Christine was hoping I would test while I was home, but I wanted to keep it a secret if possible. I started prometrium back in June after I ovulated so I was really hoping for a positive this month. The doctor had me take 3 100mg tabs a day, but after 2 days of horrible cramping from that dosage- I called and he told me to go down to 2 tabs/day. It did make a difference- much more mild cramping.
I started spotting Day 23 while I was home. I was so angry by this because this is the same time I would spot prior to taking prometrium- and that stuff is supposed to lengthen my period. I decided to wait a few more days to make sure it was my period- so the next day when I spotted more, I took a pregnancy test that night and it confirmed it was negative. I got in bed that night and cried and prayed and cried more. Why Lord? This stuff didn't do anything from what I can tell. If it's supposed to help lengthen my cycle so I can sustain a pregnancy- it didn't. And if my luteal phase is not long enough- I will never get pregnant. And further more I'm still having bad cramps. Did surgery do nothing for me? Talk about frustration- I feel so defeated. As much as I don't allow myself to feel this way, I did. I am afraid my heart is becoming hardened. I am afraid of hoping anymore because I just can't take the heartache.
The rest of the time home I had my period- blah. And Angi warned me but it was funky. I guess the prometrium screwed it up.
We got to stop and see Angi on the way home. We met her at Bob Evans for breakfast. It was good to see her and chat even though it was a quick visit. Rylan was with her and I can't believe how quickly he's grown. Dave and I continued driving home and just as we arrived home- I get a text from Angi- saying her water broke and she was on the way to the hospital to have baby # 2. That morning there were no signs of having a baby- but she did say she was ready for this baby to come- she's 34 weeks. We did get an update since then- and Baby Jude was born healthy. He'll have to be in the hospital for a while but he's doing good. I'm so happy for them and very glad he's doing well. It's crazy that she had her 2nd baby- Dave and I began trying before they did for this one- and now there's is here and we're nowhere. Talk about crazy. It makes me wonder how many more friends we will watch get pregnant and maybe even have a child before we do. Well, at least on my pessimistic days- the thought crosses my mind. I'm elated for them and share in their joy, but it's possible I think to have joy and sorrow in your heart at the same time. At least I think it is. It sure seems like it.
The boys playing/drinking in the sprinkler.