I feel like I have come a long way since the beginning of this journey. My heart feels more prepared for God’s blessings through adoption, rather than feeling discouraged that I may not ever have a biological child one day. My focus has turned more towards the joy of being blessed with a child however God provides that for us, rather than the failure of my own body to produce a child naturally. I have been praying daily for God to speak clearly to us, for God to show us as clearly as he possibly can that we are to move forward with adoption . We have grieved so much for our biological children and I really believe God has been working on our hearts and preparing us for this time. We can’t set a time frame on grieving the loss of anything, everyone grieves in their own way, in their own time. God has to heal our hearts, work on us, and help us to move forward with our lives. I feel like my heart is experiencing the joy and peace that come with that process. There is just something different in my outlook, something different in the way I see things. People kept telling me throughout this journey I would know when yI was ready to move forward- that I would feel it so I began to pray that. I wanted to truly know what God wanted for us and how we were going to get there. I prayed for a peace in my heart. At the time, I didn’t feel like I knew anything- I felt lost, discouraged, and angry at God. I’ve now reached a place of peace and joy that I didn’t feel before. God knows exactly how Dave and I will have a child one day, but He knows He has to get us to that place and sometimes our hearts are so stubborn, resistant, and we're just not ready to hear God speak to us. It is God who brings us to a place of acceptance and then joy! The process of grieving, healing, growing stronger takes time. Sometimes God walks us through the hurt and pain to get to the peace and joy on the other side.
I went to my former doctor at Vanderbilt Nov 3. I had not seen him since my surgery back in May 2010, but I felt like he would give me an honest op inion on what we should do at this point in our journey. NFC, the fertility clinic we were going to has been a great place and they help so many couples achieve pregnancy. However, we’re at a point mentally where we don’t need to keep going through treatments and spending thousands of dollars on them if they’re not going to work. There’s no way they can possibly know that, and many couples achieve success after multiple attempts. For us, we are reaching a point where we don’t necessarily feel we need the most aggressive treatments, but a doctor who will sit down and look at the whole picture and tell us honestly how to proceed. At my appointment I looked my doctor in the eye and said, I can’t keep doing this and I need to know what you recommend for us. If you think there is anything else I can try, I will, but if you think we’ve exhausted all options, please, please tell me to stop. He proceeded to tell me after looking at all my tests, labs, and failed treatments, he would say I had a 3% chance of achieving pregnancy. I knew at that moment God has been working on my heart, because instead of getting big tears in my eyes or being angry and feeling pity on myself, I felt like God was speaking clearly to me like I had been asking him to. I felt fine, almost relieved to hear something so clear. My doctor said he had seen many women like me, with a diagnosis of premature ovarian failure who went on to get pregnant. The success he saw in them was from going on birth control for a short time to suppress the ovaries and let them rest, and then reattempting an IUI with stimulation after coming off the birth control. It seems backwards to go on birth control to get pregnant but it’s not going to hurt anything, it’s not expensive, and it doesn’t require doctor’s visits, so I said ok. For the next 3 months, I will be taking birth control, suppressing my system. We will not have to go to the doctor, spend money, or worry about getting pregnant. At the end of the 3 months, I will return to the doctor for some blood work to check my hormone levels. If the hormone levels have come down as he hopes, then we will proceed with 1-2 IUI attempts with stimulation. The timing of this came perfectly for us because during the holidays we’ll be traveling, and it will be a good break from everything. We won’t be thinking much about it. We won’t have to be worried about timing an IUI, or taking medication or stressing over are we or aren’t we pregnant. We can simply enjoy the holidays with family and friends.
After much prayer, Dave and I have also decided to start the adoption process. So, we are completing a home study, adoption profile, and doing a lot of reading, research on the options out there for us. Our hearts are very open to adoption. We are so ready to see God work and the good that will come out of this whole process. I know he is working on my heart and bringing us both to a place of peace.
We are so thankful for all the prayers being lifted to our Heavenly Father for us. Please pray for…………….
* peace in our hearts
*wisdom & discernment as we start the adoption process
*that we will feel his leading and guidance with the adoption process
*clarity in the direction we should go
*rest over the next 3 months as we take a break from fertility treatments
*for our future children- that God is preparing our hearts for them and their hearts for us
*for our story- that it would be a testimony to others going through this
*that we can trust God every step of the way, esp. his timing