Our new home.
Well, here we are still not pregnant.  The past few months I decided not to blog as I just couldn't even find the emotion to type out what I was feeling.  More unsuccessful trying.  My spirits are down today as we had our walk- through of our beautiful new big home we had built over the past few months.  Somehow it was very depressing.  Don't get me wrong, this house is such a blessing.  It's everything we prayed for, hoped for, and dreamed of and I know that God will fill it with children one day.  It's just that we moved out of our town home and built a house because we thought we would have a child by now, and continue on having them.  It's ironic now  that we were feeling such a need to move out of our town home to have more space for our family, but not really needing it at this point in time. 

Everyone keeps asking us, "What are you going to do with all those rooms in your house?"   We just smile and laugh it off with our usual response - well someday we’ll fill them with kids.  Of course when I say that now, I'm wondering if we ever will.  The doubt today is surfacing more so, because my period came today- well the spotting I get before my period and just because I had to- I took a pregnancy test only to find myself even further saddened by the negative result. 

If that second line would just show up one of these times.  I’ve lost count of the number of tests I’ve taken, but you just don’t even expect a second line to appear after you've gotten so many negative test results. It never has shown up before so why would it this time.  A couple more friends have had their babies and a few more have found out they are pregnant in the past few months.  It seems as though I just watch them all go through the process while we still wait to begin our journey. 

I can’t get over the fact that we’re doing everything right.  We’ve had the tests that have said we’re doing things right- that nothing is wrong.  And although I wasn’t’ quite ready for the laparoscopy a couple months back, I feel that I am ready now.  I feel like I want to get to the bottom of things and just know what’s going on or what we can do to make it happen. 

I ended up telling my sister Christine on a trip home back in September.  We were out shopping at Michigan City Mall - me, her and the boys and we were sitting there grabbing a bite to eat and she asked me.  I thought to myself- I am sick of hiding this- it's just too hard and I just don't want to anymore.  So rather than my usual response- no, we're not ready for that- it'll be a couple more years, I replied with the truth.  The surprise factor that had kept me from telling her is totally gone.  What I mean by the surprise factor is not wanting anyone to even know we're trying so when we announce it- everyone will be totally shocked.  Although, I think at this point, I'll be the most surprised when it actually happens, and I won't really care what anyone else thinks. 

My mom might suspect something because when I went home for an EGD and she took my history- and I said I wasn’t taking any medicine- she realized I was off my birth control.  I didn’t say anything directly to her; I usually act like we’re not ready for that.  Of course, that's a total cover up. 

Dave will be 32 this June.  His hope for 5 kids is going down the drain.  I’ve been reading in the bible and realizing all the women who were barren in the bible.  I hope and pray that maybe that means that God has a bigger plan and is really preparing us- like maybe we’re going to have twins and he really just wants us to be ready for it.    I don’t know I have so many thoughts about why it just hasn’t happened yet, but only He knows.  I get so frustrated not knowing, but there is nothing I can do about, except pray and trust. 

Satan wants to steal our hope and anticipation- better yet he wants to fill me with doubt and worry that it won’t happen.  I pray that the Holy Spirit wins over and the strength I have in me through Jesus Christ conquers those lies.  Help us press on oh Lord for we don’t know how long this journey will be.