I need a Silent Night.

December is full of craziness for most families.  The true meaning of Christmas is often hidden by the shopping, buying, decorating, parties, and all the other distractions around us.  Somehow we fill our days with anything but being still and remembering the true meaning of Christmas- the birth of our Savior.  I’m guilty myself as these past few weeks Dave and I have done all of the above, but also feeling incredibly weighed down by decisions and more decisions. 

We decided to start the adoption process back in November.  I had heard the horror stories of the paperwork and felt prepared for what was ahead of us but  I don’t think anyone could have prepared us for the extent of what we were going to have to do.  We’ve been to the doctors, we’ve had blood drawn and been tested for every disease under the sun, we’ve been fingerprinted,  we’ve been given a stack – a tall stack of paperwork to fill out.  It is all a little overwhelming.   I was so eager in the beginning when we came home with the paperwork- and confident we would get it done in a week-let’s just say a little too confident.  It didn’t start out well - after working on the paperwork for hours and returning to work on it more- I discovered that everything I had worked on was gone- nowhere to be found on the computer.   I spent an hour crying and having some discussion with the Lord about why I felt so spiritually attacked.   Why does everything seem so hard right now Lord?  Then there was the paperwork the doctors had to fill out- it took over a week just to get them to sign a piece of paper and that was calling them every day to check on their progress.   

 The biggest struggle of all of this- finances.  Dave and I have worked hard to get out of debt early in our marriage- paying off school loans, cars, etc.  Our second year of marriage was spent trying to build our emergency fund (if you follow Dave Ramsey) you know what I’m talking about.  We of course had “our” plans to save a certain amount and then start a family.   Well, facing infertility has changed that just a bit.  Most of our saving has now gone towards fertility treatments (that didn’t work), and now we’re faced with needing to save a lot more to adopt a baby.   It seems to us to be the most unfair part of this whole situation.  It’s been hard to feel the pain of not bearing a child of our own, but the thought of the costs just to bring a baby home really has me at a loss. I get so frustrated by it.    We want a baby more than anything, but for me the future thinker- I not only think about this first baby we have prayed for now for 3 years, but the thought of expanding our family one day and how we will potentially have to save thousands and thousands of dollars for every time we want to have another child is very scary.  How we will do that Lord?

I am quickly reminded of Matthew 6: 19 -21"Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being. 

And in 1 Tim 6:10: 

For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows.

Money doesn’t solve all problems and often times money causes even more.  Sometimes I feel like for our situation money would solve our problems but I know in my heart it wouldn’t.  I know God has carried us through this for a reason.  He has revealed so many lessons to us along this journey.  This journey has not only reminded us of what we do not have, but all the things we do have.  We are so blessed to have a roof over our heads, food on our table each night, a car to drive, a job to go to each day, and clothes to wear.  These are all blessings and I thank God for daily.  I am so grateful for our health and loved ones and all the incredible gifts he brings to us daily.  I am humbled by how much we do have.  

We can’t worry about the future at this point in time or how large our family will be one day.  Dave and I must only think about today and what God has for us now. 

Matthew 6:26 : Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?

God takes care of even the birds and how much more valuable our lives are to him than the birds.  He will provide.  He will get us through this.

As we continue through the paperwork and seek his daily guidance and direction in making some really big decisions, we ask for your prayer.  Please pray for clarity- that we may hear the Lord speak his plan into our lives and feel his leading in a certain direction.  Pray for trust in the Lord – that He will lead us through these high waters we are treading through right now.  Please pray for peace- that we may truly experience the Prince of Peace this Christmas season. 

My family ask me every year what I want for Christmas.  It’s incredibly humbling that I can’t really think of anything because I don’t really need anything.  What I do want this Christmas is a Silent Night. Not necessarily around me, but a silence in my heart, a peace in my heart.   Amy Grant expresses it beautifully in her song I need a Silent Night.  I truly pray to experience the Prince of Peace this Holiday season.  I pray that we can be still and know that He is God.  I pray that we will hear him speak through the chaos and the noise. 

I am so moved by this song, and it brings me to tears as I pray in my heart for what this song speaks about.  May you be reminded of what Christmas is all about as you listen to this song and may you also experience the Prince of Peace in your heart with whatever you find yourself facing today.