Aunt KK & Rick.
Dave hanging with the boys.

God knows when we need a break because after finding out this last round of IUI did not work for us, Dave and I were headed to Disney.  Literally the day before we left my period started.   For me, a getaway vacation was more than welcomed to take my mind off of our bad news but also to enjoy all the many blessings in my life.   My sisters and I surprised my parents for their 40th wedding anniversary as we all ended up in Florida to celebrate and go to Disney together as a family.  It was such a great time.  My favorite part was watching my nephews faces light up over a ride they just rode, watching them give Mickey Mouse a hug, and listening to them talk about all their experiences of the day.  It was so good.  My 4 yr old nephew probably enjoyed it the most as he was old enough to ride some of the big rides but still enjoy the smaller rides and he loved the characters.  He wanted to hug them all.    

There were a few times I caught myself on vacation tearing up- no reason in particular but just finding this sadness come over me out of nowhere.  Usually something triggers it- like seeing a baby, or hearing a child tell their mommy they love her.  But the few times on vacation it was really unexpected.  I would try to stop the tears but that just seemed to make it worse.    Many memories were made at Disney with my family.  It's so nice to have everyone together.   Looking back on last week when we were there I smile at the memories we made.  I also frown that it passed so quickly.  It's almost like in hindsight I wish I could go back and enjoy it even more- capture every moment, every memory, look around me and thank God for all that I have.  I don't think I do that enough.   Too many times a memory passes and all that's left is the picture I took to remember just how wonderful the moment really was. 

So before we left I gave NFC a call to let them know my period had started.  I guess our original plan was to try 3 rounds of IUI before giving up.  Due to our vacation putting us out of town the week  I would need to go in for frequent monitoring, we postponed the next IUI for the month of November.  Honestly I think we needed to take a month off.  All the monitoring, appts, meds, etc. take a toll on us and for me I felt slightly relieved that we wouldn’t be able to do it this month.   So, we’re taking the month off and we’re trying to enjoy life without constant thoughts of making a baby.   It’s really nice! 

Upon returning home, I have gotten 2 baby shower invites in the mail, an email to sign up to take a friend dinner because she just had her baby, a co-worker is pregnant,  and found a couple more friends on facebook are pregnant.  It doesn’t get any easier.   Friends of mine that have been married for less time are getting pregnant and somehow that doesn’t seem right.   The way my brain reasons is we should get pregnant before them because we’ve been married longer.  Obviously that doesn’t make sense but that’s the way I’m reasoning it.   For all my friends reading this, I have always said to you please allow me to share in the joy of your pregnancy.  Do not hide your happiness around me or exclude me from a baby shower.  Of course, it’s not always easy for me, but I’m still happy for you.  I really am.    Noticing answered prayers of others can be the best cure for overcoming the forlorn assumption that my own prayers are going unanswered.

A dear friend of mine who has walked with me on this journey since early on shared an article with me that helped encourage me to continue to pray for a baby.  The article was actually addressing single woman who had been praying for a husband but were still single.  I could totally relate to the points made in the article even though I’m relating it to praying for a baby.  It was very applicable. For some of us the article fits- we’re praying for a husband, for others like me we’re praying for a baby, and for others it may be something else.  But each of us has gone through a desert with God where we feel like he’s not answering our prayers.  Below are some of the article highlights that stood out to me.   

Inevitably, though, when I talk about praying for husbands, someone comes in a theological tangle, wondering if God is good to me and to anyone else who is still praying and still single. Should we even pray for husbands? Is that acceptable? What if we pray and we remain single—what then??

My first answer is that of course God is still good if we pray and remain single. Marriage is a gift for this life alone. If we have received forgiveness for our sins and life eternal, we have already received the biggest and best gift and one that is for all eternity. We didn’t miss out on God’s very best.

Secondly, if we are still alive, the story of God’s grace in our lives is still being written. We don’t know the future. Only He knows the beginning from the end (Is. 46:10 and Rev. 21:6) and so it is arrogant to assume we can survey our circumstances and conclude we know what God is doing. (See: Naomi. A woman who was so very sure God’s hand was against her that she wanted to be called “Bitter.” But as she stood complaining, she had no idea that God was already at work to provide food, a kinsman-redeemer, an heir, and even far more unexpectedly, a place in the lineage of her Savior!)

Thirdly, we have no other option, according to Scripture. Philippians 4:4-7 makes this very clear: “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” This passage makes it very easy for us to understand that all we can do is pray, be thankful, and avoid anxiousness, which leads to bitterness. We’re not in charge of the answers. We’re in charge of the petitions. So, petition away!

But be thankful in those petitions. Since we’re not the omniscient, omnipotent, perfect, holy, just, and merciful Being in these transactions, we get to be the grateful recipients.  All the time.  Without ceasing. “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thes. 5:16-18).

What circumstances do you find yourself in today? Give thanks and pray without ceasing. For as we keep our eyes on Him and praise Him in all circumstances (the good, the happy, the hard, the confusing, the horrifying), we silence the Accuser, the one who exists to blame God for not being good and blame us for not being good enough.

Of this I am supremely confident:  When we see our Savior and Redeemer face to face, we will not regret being thankful for trusting Him, even in circumstances we could not control and would not have chosen. We will see then by the light of His glory all that He was doing in and through those very moments. What seemed like unanswered prayer will be set against the grand tapestry of His grace coursing through history. We will see what He was doing . . . and we will eternally praise Him for it.

So pray without ceasing and eagerly await what God does in and through these prayers.

Article by Carolyn McCulley

Aloha. Polynesian Luau.
10/27/2011 01:22:40 pm

as i write, Casting Crowns is singing "when my heart is torn, i will praise You in this storm... i lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from?...Maker of heaven and earth!" I will continue to hope and pray for you, friend, and believe that our GOOD God will give you the desires of your heart! All your prayers, faith, and courage to believe will not return to you void. He hears you, He is faithful, and He keeps His promises!! We stand in that truth together. This proclamation is yours:
Psalm 27:13-14, "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."
And now this is playing:
Out of chaos, life is being found...

10/27/2011 01:23:59 pm

PS. i forgot to say. Un GRAN abrazo.

10/27/2011 09:38:46 pm

The tearing up thing is usually a nutritional deficiency. the book The Mood Cure by Julia Ross is awesome, I highly recommend it to you! I had a lot of tearing up/crying for no reason prior to eating the way we eat now (lots of healthy fats, animal protein, probiotic foods). Good luck, just a thought from my side of things :)

10/30/2011 03:18:39 am

Part of the reason women are so tired is because we are spending so much energy trying to "keep it together." So much energy devoted to suppressing the pain and keeping a good appearance. "I'm gonna harden my heart," sang Rindy Ross. "I'm going to swallow my tears." A terrible, costly way to live your life. Part of this is driven by fear that the pain will overwhelm us. That we will be consumed by our sorrow. It's an understandable fear - but it is no more true than the fear we had of the dark as children. Grief, dear sisters, is good. Grief helps to heal our hearts. Why, Jesus himself was a "man of sorrows, acquainted with grief." (Isa. 53:3)

Let the tears come. Get alone, get to your car or your bedroom or the shower and let the tears come. Let the tears come. It is the only kind thing to do for your woundedness. Allow yourself to feel again. And feel you will - many things. Anger. That's okay. Anger's not a sin (Eph. 4:26). Remorse. Of course you do. Fear. Yes, that makes sense. Jesus can handle the fear as well. In fact, there is no emotion you can bring up that Jesus can't handle. (Look at the Psalms - they are a raging sea of emotions).

Let it all out.

As Augustine wrote in his Confessions, "The tears . . . streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested." Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. That's not the way life was supposed to go. There are unwept tears down in there - the tears of a little girl who is lost and frightened. The tears of a teenage girl who's been rejected and has no place to turn. No one understands. The tears of a woman whose life has been hard and lonely and nothing close to her dreams.
Let them come.


3/22/2012 10:42:57 pm

THX for info

3/28/2012 03:55:26 am

Great info, thanks

3/29/2012 08:04:24 am

Nice info dude

3/30/2012 07:01:47 pm

Fine article bro

3/31/2013 01:35:23 am

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