Today is the big day, I had my Beta drawn this morning at the clinic to find out if I’m pregnant.  After months of injections, many vitamins and medications,  not sleeping well, praying, wondering and hoping what our child will be like, anticipating the moment we would hear the words- you’re pregnant,…………….. the day has finally arrived.  I didn’t think it would ever come. 

There is part of me that is so excited I can hardly stand it and then the other part of me is terrified I will hear the words – I’m sorry, you’re not pregnant.  I just don’t know if I can handle hearing that again.  The past few days I have tried to prepare myself by taking home pregnancy tests, none of which have been positive.  I felt like it would emotionally prepare me before going in today so when we got the news I wasn’t totally caught off guard.  I guess going into it I’m not extremely hopeful.  I know the pregnancy tests aren’t definitive, but I know most women that end of being pregnant get a positive urine test before the blood test.  I tried to remain hopeful and I do know women that ended up pregnant and got negative urine test.  I know that God is ultimately in charge here and so it’s in his hands. 

Thankfully my day was extremely busy and it made time pass, even though in the back of my mind I was constantly reminded that they could leave a voicemail at any time during the day with our results.  Dave and I decided to pay the extra just to find out today, we felt like we’ve waited long enough and it was worth it to pay a little more to get the same day results.  Since we are apart all day at work, Dave and I promised each other we would wait to listen to our voicemail together when we got home from work. 

My drive home was full of anticipation and anxiety.  I didn’t feel like I was about to hear good news- perhaps the negative tests I had taken or the spotting that started a few days ago is what gave me this feeling, but regardless we were about to get our results- good or bad.  I got home and Dave was already home, so I put all my stuff away and Dave said let’s call.  So we sat down at the kitchen table, grabbed each other’s hands, and called our voicemail.  I could tell right away by our IVF nurse’s voice that it wasn’t good.  It was like she didn’t want to tell us.  But the words finally came out………………….I’m sorry, your HCG level was less than 10.  They like to see it above 50 to confirm pregnancy.  I wasn’t even close.  I didn’t cry right away, I felt like there weren’t even tears left to cry, until about 5 minutes later, I lost it.  I was crying and yelling and angry.  Very angry.  It just doesn’t make sense.    I can’t wrap my brain around NO.  God has closed every door up this point, and I know there are doors we haven’t ventured into, but so far, we’re striking out. 

There was such a part of us that wanted this to work and not to mention financially, emotionally, and physically what we put into this, we felt like it had to work.  We invested way too much for it not to work.  Most often in life, hard work results with good things- a reward.  This is just one of those things that doesn’t match up with this philosophy.  It doesn’t seem to matter what we’ve done or hard we try-it’s not working.    We are not perfect and I would never say we are.  But we have always tried to be faithful to the Lord and give back to him what he has given to us.  We were very intentional from the beginning in praying for a child and even adding to our family.  We waited until we were married to be intimate and saved ourselves for each other.  We have worked hard to build a home and establish a marriage that we feel will be strong enough to add children too.  We have done what we thought you do before  you have a child, but that’s not how it always works.  I have so many moms at the clinic who are upset they got pregnant because they  didn’t plan on it, or the teenage mom I have that is now expecting her second when her first is only 10 months old.  I see families every day that can’t provide for their children or don’t take care of their children.  I also have the moms that like us, have established a good marriage, have great jobs, and a great home and yet they adopted because they could not have their own.  I see both sides of it every day.    There are things on this side of heaven that don’t make sense and this is one of the things. 

The saddest part  to Dave and I is grieving the loss of a child we created- even though we don’t have a child here physically, we did create a child.  God created a child that started as an embryo and I even got to have that embryo put into my womb.  I can’t describe the feeling that was for us and even to experience that was such a blessing. Our grieving now is for the fact that we may never have a biological child one day.  I think one of the biggest joys of parenthood is to watch your child grow up and see the things in them that they got from you- their hair color, their eyes, their smile, their personality, their laugh, their goofiness.  Whatever it may be  that you gave them.  It’s incredibly sad to know that we may never get to experience that.  It’s grieving the loss of the children we could have had.  

The biggest challenge now is to move on.  We have been so consumed with this for quite some time now.  Our lives have been revolving around injections, doctor’s visits, medications, and we’ve got to get back to us.  We still believe that God is bigger than all of this and His plans are still perfect.  There is a reason we are where we are.  There is a reason it hasn’t happened yet.  There is a reason he has given us such a strong desire for a child.  There is a reason we built a home with 5 bedrooms.  There is a reason for all these closed doors.  I know that He has an open door waiting for us even if we haven’t reached it yet.  I know that God is still sovereign. 

Thank you for your prayers through our journey.  We continue to ask for your prayers as we have many decisions ahead of us.  Please pray for strength, a peace that exceeds all understanding, trust in the Lord, and a faith that is strengthened through this, and that our love for one another would be strengthened and renewed.

 Although it’s not over, we have a lot of praying to do as God leads us to our next step.  For now, we are going to focus on each other and the love God has given us and all the many blessings that are in our life right now.    We can’t just pretend this didn’t happen, this will forever be a part of our lives and very close to our hearts.  And for a while, I think the tears may come at any given moment that might remind us of our child we didn’t have, but we know that life goes on around us and we must go on too. 

3/31/2011 04:45:53 am

LOVE YOU!!! And I hate this. It makes no sense to me, either, but God will not leave it unredeemed. Still praying for Baby Stanley...whether he/she is yours biologically or adopted. Some baby somewhere is going to be very, very lucky to call you Mom one day soon.


LOL...I just tried to post this and it told me there were too many exclamation points. Oops. ;-)


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