Dave and I have come to a point in our lives when we feel unsure of where we belong. We don't have kids but we want kids. Many of our "friends" are not ready for kids and the issue of infertility doesn't have a place there. But then there are the couples we really like that have children. Their lives are so completely different from ours because of this and again we find ourselves stuck in this odd place. Where do we belong? What's wrong with us?
I've come to realize the past few months as we have been slightly consumed with infertility stuff that my friendships are not what I thought they were. In college I had a group of friends- we were all in nursing school together- we did everything together. I also had some pretty amazing college roommates. Then I moved here to Nashville and I had more amazing roommates that took me in and became fast friends. There are also the lifetime friends I've known for many, many years and with whom even though we don't talk daily, when we get a chance to talk, we easily pick right back up where we left off. I also have my amazing sisters who will always be my best friends because they know me so completely and understand me.
After I got married, many of my friends also got married and moved away. Dave and I joined a Sunday School and made friends with those in the class. We hosted parties and invited others to hang out frequently. We've known some of them for years now and I guess I always thought that the feeling was mutual. When you're going through a tough time in life I think it really opens your eyes to who your friends really are. In the past several months Dave and I have not been as "social". Life was full of doctor's appointments, bed rest, medications, etc. I was so burned out of always inviting people, asking people out, etc. and decided to take a break from the initiating. Sadly, instead of others taking the initiative and calling us or inviting us out, we found no response in return at all. Lives went on around us, and those "friends'' we thought we had kept hanging out and either chose to leave us out or "forgot" to call us. It seems like everyone else has friends and were the only ones that have been left out. I just don't understand, it's so hurtful. It's opened my eyes to the harsh reality that I need to re-evaluate the "friends" in my life.
At this point in life, I'm over the cliches, the gossip, the games. I'm ready to start a family. I enjoy hanging out with my husband. I don't need hundreds of friends, I've never been one to count quantity for anything. I've always cherished having a few extremely close "quality" friends and even though I still have those friends out there, they're not here, and I really miss that. My prayer is that I can be that kind of friend first so that I can attract the friends I'm looking for. None of us our perfect and I want friends who can be imperfect with me. I want friends who really want to hang out and don't just call to be nice. I want friends who say what they mean and mean what they say. I don't want "nice", I want "real".
As we go through this journey together God has grown us and taught us so much. I know one of the things he's teaching me is I need to be a better friend. I can't expect those friendships in my life until I become that friend. I need to put aside "expecting" from others and open my heart instead to "give".
Lord help me the friend I'm looking for.
I've come to realize the past few months as we have been slightly consumed with infertility stuff that my friendships are not what I thought they were. In college I had a group of friends- we were all in nursing school together- we did everything together. I also had some pretty amazing college roommates. Then I moved here to Nashville and I had more amazing roommates that took me in and became fast friends. There are also the lifetime friends I've known for many, many years and with whom even though we don't talk daily, when we get a chance to talk, we easily pick right back up where we left off. I also have my amazing sisters who will always be my best friends because they know me so completely and understand me.
After I got married, many of my friends also got married and moved away. Dave and I joined a Sunday School and made friends with those in the class. We hosted parties and invited others to hang out frequently. We've known some of them for years now and I guess I always thought that the feeling was mutual. When you're going through a tough time in life I think it really opens your eyes to who your friends really are. In the past several months Dave and I have not been as "social". Life was full of doctor's appointments, bed rest, medications, etc. I was so burned out of always inviting people, asking people out, etc. and decided to take a break from the initiating. Sadly, instead of others taking the initiative and calling us or inviting us out, we found no response in return at all. Lives went on around us, and those "friends'' we thought we had kept hanging out and either chose to leave us out or "forgot" to call us. It seems like everyone else has friends and were the only ones that have been left out. I just don't understand, it's so hurtful. It's opened my eyes to the harsh reality that I need to re-evaluate the "friends" in my life.
At this point in life, I'm over the cliches, the gossip, the games. I'm ready to start a family. I enjoy hanging out with my husband. I don't need hundreds of friends, I've never been one to count quantity for anything. I've always cherished having a few extremely close "quality" friends and even though I still have those friends out there, they're not here, and I really miss that. My prayer is that I can be that kind of friend first so that I can attract the friends I'm looking for. None of us our perfect and I want friends who can be imperfect with me. I want friends who really want to hang out and don't just call to be nice. I want friends who say what they mean and mean what they say. I don't want "nice", I want "real".
As we go through this journey together God has grown us and taught us so much. I know one of the things he's teaching me is I need to be a better friend. I can't expect those friendships in my life until I become that friend. I need to put aside "expecting" from others and open my heart instead to "give".
Lord help me the friend I'm looking for.
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