2 yr Anniversary Trip - Florida.
So here we are month 5 and still no pregnancy.  Every month I find that somehow the hope is renewed, but by the end of the month I am worn out.  I feel like totally giving up- no more BBT’s, no more OPK’s, no more searching internet and obsessing about getting pregnant.  I just feel like maybe I need to throw in the towel.  The better part of me knows I can’t give up that control.  I want so badly to make it happen and it’s not working, and that really frustrates me. 

The reason is, I feel like we’re doing everything right- following conception calendar, lots of planning, praying hard, and charting.  I don’t know what else I could be doing- and that’s where I feel so frustrated- stuck- I can’t do anything else, except trust the Lord. 

I went to the doctor last Thursday May 14.  I told her how long we had been trying and wondered if it could be endometriosis.  I know I have it- the history of ovarian cysts, painful cramping, ovulation pain, everything points to it.  The thing is people get pregnant with it all the time, and why can’t I.  Anyways, she ended up drawing a progesterone level since it was Day 19 of my cycle- and I got a call the next day that it was normal- it reassured that I did ovulate.  That’s a good thing.  She also sent me home with a semen analysis cup for Dave.  That is the next step if we continue to be unsuccessful.   I think we’re going to wait a few more months before we do that. 

I can’t explain the frustration each month, I think it only gets worse.  It’s like the longer we wait, the more I want it to happen.  The more angry I am at God for not letting it happen.  I know there is a reason.  I have to believe there is, otherwise I would lose all hope.  It just seems like things in life right now are at a stand still.  For the past 6 months we’ve been trying to sell/rent our house- and that’s gone no where.  Everyone that comes close to agreeing backs out.  I can’t explain it- absolutely no explanation just backs out.  It’s so frustrating – it’s like the Lord is teasing us and then takes it away- I know that it’s not him.  It’s Satan playing mind games with me, but I just want to cry.  For the first time nothing is going right. 

There are times in life when nothing seems to be going wrong.  Everything is sailing along perfectly.  This is not that time.  As we await this major decisions, they hang over our heads daily and weigh down my mind with thoughts.  Wondering will it ever happen?  Should we give up?   I just don’t think I can take any more rejection- any more let downs.  Another month means another let down- or at least that’s what it seems like. 

This week I have felt awful- I’ve probably stressed myself out with all this, but I really had convinced myself once again I was pregnant.  I couldn’t eat all week, I was extremely bloated, tired, felt like doing nothing.  I mean seriously- am I not pregnant?  It’s Day 25 today and my temperature dropped this morning, so all signs point to a period in the morning.  I know it’s coming, I’m just not ready for it.  I’m not ready to face the actual truth again.  At least up to this point, I could continue to falsely hope for a miracle tomorrow morning- that somehow my temp will go up and I’ll get a positive pregnancy test.  I can only say I’ve prayed for that so hard, but really don’t think I expect it to happen.  I just quit expecting because in the end it only causes it to be harder when my period comes. 

I realize when it finally happens we will be so elated.  We worked hard for this and we’re going to really praise the Lord when it finally happens.  I know God is teaching us so much through this esp. to lean on him, to trust him, to let him decide what’s best for us and when it should happen. 

I also know that the Lord is protecting us from a bad renter- and when these renters fall through I can only thank God that it didn’t work out knowing he’s watching out for us.  Thank you Lord. 

As frustrated as I am, I continue to put my hope in the Lord and as long as it takes, we’re going to press on and wait for him to work.  Whatever he wants us to do in the meantime, we’re going to seek him and put it in his hands. 

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