The past week after finding out we are not pregnant has been interesting.  We really wanted to surprise people with good news, but that is not happening now.  Karen had been experiencing weird pains in her stomach and I was really hoping that was our beautiful embryo implanting and growing.  It was not to be.

After Karen and I called and got the news via our voicemail at NFC, it took varying degrees of time for it to hit each of us.  It hit Karen within minutes, but took a bit longer with me.  I always want to be able to cry with Karen, especially with something this big, but for whatever reason, it is hard for me to do so.  It wasn’t until I called my parents on my way to get us dinner that it really hit me that we probably cannot have children on our own.  Yup, I broke down.  I had to call my parents separately because dad was on the road and mom was at home. 

The phone calls were tough in a way, because not only was I telling my parents that we couldn’t have kids,  but I was telling them they might not end up getting grandkids.  I know how much grandparents love their grandkids because of how much my grandparents (both maternal and paternal) loved me.  It’s sad to think they may not have that chance.

As Karen mentioned in her most recent post, the irony of our situation as compared to others is very obvious.  We so much desire the chance to be parents but are not getting that.  Some of her patients are parents and don’t want to be.  I told Karen to just look at them and tell them to stop complaining about it because she cannot be.

A question that pops into our head often is why, if God has given us this desire to be parents, has he chosen to not bless us with kids yet?  While I sure hope the answer is something we’ll eventually be able to look back and see, the answer may never be there.  I can tell you this, that sharing this hard, sad, and frustrating experience together has really strengthened our marriage in more ways than not.  For that I am eternally grateful to God.  The closer I am to Karen the more ways I find to love her and the easier it is to love her too.  And I have found that I am happier and enjoy life more the closer I am to her.

So, what is next?  Not 100% sure as of yet.  We are going to relax for a bit and look for other options and continue to pray, pray, pray.  Thank you for those of you who have been praying and for those of you who now get to start praying for us.  Prayer is powerful.

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