So Karen has posted many a blogs about her thoughts on our journey of trying to have kids.  I thought it might help me understand how I feel about our journey if I were to just start typing.  So here goes.

I have always remembered wanting to be a father.  I was asked after high school at some point by my Grandpa what I wanted to do with my life.  I simply said "be a husband and a father."  Well, the husband thing took a long time, so should I expect the father role to take a while also?  It seems everything I have hoped and longed for has taken more time than I thought or hoped it would.  I always wanted to have lots of time with my wife and be a young/cool dad (since I have never been considered "cool.")

Well, since I got married just before I turned 30, I can still have that time with Karen, but it is always in the back of my head that we cannot wait too much longer to have kids or else they'll be graduating high school when I am 70.  I joke about it sometimes, but I seriously don't want to be that old.  I want to be be able to enjoy grandkids for as long as possible.  My Grandpa is still around and I am 33 (he is 80 something) and I know seeing his grandkids is the single most enjoyable thing in his life.

So how do I feel about our current place in life?  It is missing children in it to make it complete.  We have been trying sine January of 2009 and have had no luck, not even a false positive to give us some glimpse of hope.  My wife is amazing with kids and all of them she is around are touched by who she is.  I also know I have a huge desire to have them and hold them and see them grow up.

So, am I mad at God?  My Wife?  Life?   I give an emphatic NO to all of them.  While I am frustrated and speak my mind to God, I do my best to be an encouragement to my wife.  I cannot be angry at either of them because God is in full control of all things in this world and I know that He knows a whole lot better what is best for us than I ever will.  And Karen, bless her heart, has researched about everything possbile in regards to childbirth, conception, and the right timing on it all.  I am glad she knows these things and lets me know.

It boils down to heart.  My heart says "God, please hurry up and bring us this blessing.  Why are you delaying?"


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