Today Dave and I went to Center for Reproductive Health to see Dr. Vasquez.  An infertility specialist.  He started CRH and is the only doctor there.  I actually found him through insurance and Dave and I decided to go check him out since insurance covers it. 
       So, we went today and met him.  We arrive about 15 minutes early to fill out some paperwork.  I was quite surprised by the small size of the waiting room.  Compared to NFC, it was very small.  There were a few others in the waiting room- but I liked the small cozy atmosphere.  The front office staff was very nice.  It was about 20 minutes later they called us back.  The nurse got my vitals and asked Dave and I several questions about our history and journey up this point.  They had already received all my records- Dave faxed the day before. 
         Dr. Vasquez then comes in the room and quickly performs an exam and tells us he'll meet with us in his office.  He didn't say much in the exam room at all.  So, Dave and I head down to the office.  For the waiting room being very small, the back of the office was fairly large and spacious- with a long hallway.  Dave and I enter his office and there are pictures of his children everywhere.  It was slightly awkward going in there and just looking around while we waited for him to come in.  A few minutes pass and he arrives.  He sits down at his desk and opens up my chart.  He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes and then he looks up and ask Dave and I – how are we going to make you a baby?  Dave and I look back at him and reply- I don’t know.  I’m thinking to myself- sir, this is why we came to see you- so you could tell us that.  If we knew- we obviously wouldn’t be here.   So right off the bat I was a little perturbed by his comment.  I could tell right away he had a slightly cocky attitude about him.  I mean don’t get me wrong- the man is good at what he does and if he can make us a baby that’s great, but sometimes bedside manner is just as important when it comes to your patients.  I was seeking a little more empathy and understanding from him then what he offered.  We talked for another 20 minutes about what he thought we needed to do.  He showed us several pictures and went over a plan to figure out why were not getting pregnant.                                                                                                                                                                                           
So what’s the plan?  His plan for us is another semen analysis for Dave- which we already know is completely normal.  But if that’s what they want to do –we’ll do it.  While Dave does his semen analysis I will be undergoing a sono hysterography under sedation.    I will not be able to drive after this test, so I cannot go back to work afterwards.     Once my period begins this month, I will undergo the Lupron Challenge Test to determine if my body responds to fertility hormone and how likely it is I will respond to IVF or IUI.                                                                                                                                                                
Then we go over all these test results with Dr. Vasquez by the end of September and hopefully have a plan.  I’m a little nervous about more testing and the Lupron shot makes me slightly uneasy.  I’m always skeptical of medicine and side effects.   I trust God and I know he has a plan for us and so we proceed forward.   

Lord guide us in every decision and give us peace about the decisions we must make ahead.  May we seek you through this and may we glorify you in this journey.  Prepare us for your plan.
Psalm 13; 1-2

    1 O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
      How long will you look the other way?
    2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
      with sorrow in my heart every day?
      How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

           Really?  That can't be right I replied.   I have it on my calendar and I spoke with someone.  I got the packet in the mail and filled out all the paperwork.   My appt. is today. 
           I called this morning to confirm my appt. with Center for Reproductive Health and the secretary tells me I'm not on the schedule for today-and they were booked and would not be able to get me in at all today.  Dave and I decided we would be proactive the next couple of months since his insurance is going to change and since we have probably met our deductible for this year with my surgery.  So this is the next place.  They take our insurance and do many of the same things Nashville Fertility clinic does only - they take our insurance- which is good.  I was furious when I got off the phone- having to schedule for next Thursday now.  I know for a fact we scheduled it that day.  Somebody made a mistake.  Somebody didn't put it on the calendar.  I hung up with the woman and began sobbing.  Really?  Lord- do you hear this?  Do you know I can't take anymore.  Do you know I am already so hopeless and now this.  How can they mess up an appt?  It's on my calendar.  I called Dave immediately and told him what had happend as I'm crying.  His reply was exactly what I needed.    He said where are you?  I said on Old Hickory Blvd.  He said, good, so you're on your way to meet me for lunch right?  And to that I replied of course.  A lunch with my hubby after this horrible news was just what I needed.  And Mexican food- comfort to the soul.  
        Lunch was great.  We sat and talked and ate and I had forgotten about the appt.    I left with a big smile on my face and thankful for a husband who does know how to take care of me when I'm falling apart.  When I just don't think I can handle anymore- a simple gesture from him can make such a difference.  
       As you know I believe things happen for a reason, and God is behind those reasons.  So today just reminded me that He had a reason for me not going to the appt.  As disppointed as  I was - I was reminded how God is in def. in control.    I recall the conversation with the girl and scheduling and writing down the details of the appt.- so I know that God is behind this and I do take comfort in knowing that. He can do anything.    

There is this new song that Sanctus Real has put out called Lead Them and it has broken my heart the past few days.  I was driving to work on Friday and it came on and I began balling my eyes out- not just tears- but hardcore balling.  The part that gets to me most is....................

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

Especially with where we are in life right now, I am so touched by the lyrics about the children and how there are so many that need someone to stand up for them, to lead them, and to know that somebody cares for them.  And here again this song makes me believe that adoption just may be God's will for our lives.    How manychildren are there - too many to count that are homeless, fatherless, motherless, no one to hug or kiss at night, have no one that cares about them - and then there is Dave and I that are dying to provide that for a child, and for some reason God is delaying this or trying to lead us in a different direction- how long will it take us Lord? 

So I turn to the lyrics of the song again..............

So Father, give us the strength
To be everything we're called to be
Oh, Father, show us the way
To lead them
Won't You lead us?