Went int this morning for my ultrasound to see if I had some follicles ready.  I had (1) 15mm and (1) 22mm follicle.  Once again I felt dissapointed in the results.  The clomid just doesn't seem to be doing what I thought it would.  I hear of women who get 15 eggs and I get 2- one of which is not mature and probably won't do anything.  I just don't understand.  Why is my body not responding to anything?    After the ultrasound, the nurse gave me the Ovadril shot that I brought with me and then I was out the door. 

Dave and I will go in tomorrow for the IUI.  We will have to leave work early but thankfully our work places are very understanding with all of this.  I will let you know when I find out.............but once again we begin another 2 week wait.  I feel like my life is in 2 week stents.  I'm either in the 2 weeks preparing for the procedure or the 2 weeks waiting for the outcome.  Then it starts over again.  
I got a return call from NFC today from the nurse.  She reccommended we try IUI one more time.  She said they typically do things in rounds of 3 so it would be good to try one more time before we proceed to something else.  It's so funny that I am excited to go for it again after the disappointment it causes, but it gives me something to hope for and try and actually feel like we're doing something to try and make it happen.  I'm scheduled for Dec 21 for my ultrasound this month.  She is going to mail my ovadril shot this month because it cost less money that way.  I will do Clomid days 3-7 this month instead of days 5-9 like the last 2 months.  Then depending on the ultrasound on the 21'st we will proceed with the IUI on Dec 22 or Dec 23. 
        It worked out very nicely that I went to go get my hair done today- some form of pampering to keep my mind off the reality of what is going on.  My period came today and well if I don't stay distracted I just cry.  I cried on my way to work Wednesday morning because I knew it was coming when my temp. dropped.  The whole day I just kept waiting for it to start which makes it even worse.  Impending doom.   I did keep busy today - going to get my hair done, shopping, and then Dave left work early just to take me out to dinner tonight.  It would have been nice if we were going out to celebrate but we were going out to cheer me up .  It def. helps to treat myself to something special when I get bad news.    He took me to J Alexanders - it was very nice and then we made a stop at Starbucks on the way home for another little treat. 
        I think I was so dissapointed this month because I was really hoping to share our news with family over the holidays.  I was so excited to have the best Christmas present for everyone.   Well, that obviously isn't going to happen.  No Christmas miracle for me.   At least not at this time.                 
        Dave and I are now faced with deciding what to do from here.  We have now had 2 failed attempts with IUI.  Both with Clomid, and then one with Clomid and Ovadril (HCG) trigger shot.  It's hard to believe that it is going to happen for us this way.   You begin to lose faith and hope in the technique when it just doesn't seem to be working.  Furthermore, I just don't know how many more times I can withstand going through this dissapointment.  It takes a lot out of you.  I feel like my mind is now trained itself to expect the worst.  If I hope and believe it's going to happen and then it doesn't, I am only more upset with the outcome.    I think they reccommend 3 rounds of IUI before proceeding to IVF.  Of course it's depressing to think about IVF becuase it's $9000 and we have to save up for that- which may take several months to get saved up.  I'm trying not to think about it.  Not to mention how scary the whole process is- you take a ton of medications, and then go under anesthesia for the procedure, and then you have to be on bedrest 2 days following the procedure.  It's a big ordeal.  We'll both have to take a couple days off work too!  So, we have to decide what w'ere going to do next.  
              I called NFC today to let them know the news.  I'm awaiting a return call to see what they say we should do next.

                The past few mornings I have not been sleeping well.  I think being anxious to wake up and take my temperature every morning partly.  I know that once my temperature drops, my period is going to arrive.    I swear the last days of the wait totally make you a crazy person.   I become very inpatient and agonize over the thought of my period coming.  I go online and start looking for some form of encouragement and some way to help me think I'm pregnant.  This morning Dave and I both woke up at 5:45.  We typically get up at 620 but neither one of us were able to sleep anymore.  We were wide awake.  So, we got on our computers which led me to this blog.  I am supposed to wait until Dec 10 to test, which is 14 days post IUI.   I tried to wait, but I ended up taking a test yesterday- it was negative.  I was at least expecting a false positive from the Ovadril shot.  I don't even get the satisfaction of a false positive- seriously.  I don't think I'll ever see two lines on that stick. 
             This morning I am very angry.  My temperature dropped significantly and granted I took it about an hour earlier than the other mornings, but  I'm pretty sure that my period is coming.  If I was pregnant it wouldn't have registered that low.  I want to scream, cry, throw my hands up and just quit.   I'm not even sad anymore, I'm just plain angry.  I know the next few days will be the hardest after once again believing that this was the month and we would be successful.  These cycles of hope and then despair are killing me.  How much longer do we go on?  How long do you keep on hoping that it will happen when there's no sign that it is going to happen.  The fertility drugs aren't doing a darn thing.  Some women get hyperstimulated from the shot, and I don't even register a positive pregnancy test with it- that's like injecting your body with HCG which is what shows up on the test.  What is my body doing?   It's not responding at all..........