Thursday are my day off, but really Thursdays have become doctor day for me, because I usually end up in some doctor's office-lol.  It's slightly humorous, but believe me I'll be glad when I am not frequently visiting the doctor for this.   Today was one of those Thursdays- It started off with a visit to NFC.  After talking with them yesterday about  trying a cycle with a  bit more aggressive medicine or an FSH med (follicle stimulating hormone) drug similar to what I used when we did IVF.  They got back to me yesterday after getting it approved from the doctor and said we could go forward with an IUI with Folistim (FSH med).  However I would have to come in today for a baseline ultrasound to make sure there were no cysts present from the last cycle.  I didn't think anything of it because I've never had cysts from prior cycles and have definitely never had a problem with overstimulating from the medications.  Usually the problem for me is not stimulating enough. 

God always gives me a song when I need it most.  I think God speaks to me often times through lyrics of a song.  This morning on the way to work I heard Mercy Me's new song, "Move", for the first time.  It was exactly what I needed to hear because my cycle started today.   It's upsetting and sad like every time before, but this time I felt a little more sad.  I had really hoped the acupuncture was working, but it didn't seem to make a difference for this IUI.  I called my doctor to see if she would try injectables with an IUI.  So I'm awaiting her call at this time.  I'm hoping she will try it at least once.   I wish something in me would give, but I still feel so strongly about pursuing this.  I've shared the lyrics of the song below and the youtube video.   The lyrics say exactly what I'm feeling.  


 "Move"  by Mercy Me
I'm not about to give up 
Because I heard you say 
There's gonna be brighter days 
There's gonna be brighter days 
I wont stop, Ill keep my head up 
No, I'm not here to stay 
There's gonna be brighter days 
There's gonna be brighter days 

I just might bend but wont break 
As long as I can see your face 
When life wont play along 
And right keeps going wrong 
And I cant seem to find my way 
I know where I am found 
So I wont let it drag me down 
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway 

I'm gonna move (move) 
I'm gonna move (move) 
I'm gonna move 

Ive got to hold 'er steady 
Keep my head in the cage 
Everything is about to change 
Everything is about to change 

This hurt is getting heavy 
But I'm not about to cave 
Everything's about to change 
There's gonna be brighter days 

I just might bend but wont break 
As long as I can see your face 

No matter what may come 
Gotta move to a different drum 
No matter what life brings 
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat [x2]

I just might bend but wont break 
As long as I can see your face 

When you're going through the infertility journey,often times you feel alone.  Of course that's not the case, we are surrounded by family and friends who have the greatest of intentions, but it's so hard to relate to someone sometimes if you're not going through it yourself.  I've been that person on the other side sometimes and I know how it is to try to be there for someone but just feel like I let them down because I wasn't experiencing all the emotions they were.  As a Christian, I strive to be there for my friends.  Even when it's something I've not experienced myself, I try to empathize with them.  In nursing school you learn both sides of this- you learn to sympathize or even empathize with the patient, and then you learn to set those healthy boundaries so you aren't emotionally drained with others' problems and take them upon yourself.   I totally understand the balance and how others don't want to be bogged down with my problems, because we all have heavy b and sometimes our own are just about all we can carry.

It crossed my mind today when I woke up that today is our half way mark.  In 7 days we will find out if our IUI worked. Bon Jovi's hit song " Living on a Prayer" came to mind as I was thinking oh, we're half way there!   The two week wait always seems like such a long time when in reality it's not.  It's just that during those 2 weeks,  I can't help but  analyze every little pain or  symptom  I might experience  that quite often leads me to believe I'm pregnant, when I'm not.  I'm trying to keep busy and stay distracted from thinking about it.  Dave is out of town this week in Austin for work, but I've had some good quality girl time with friends and that has helped tremendously.  Tomorrow I will get to join Dave in Texas and then Saturday we will go to our first Texas football game together.  I'm so excited.  Getting to experience new things with him is always fun, and that's one of the reasons I can't wait to share in the experience of having a baby together.     


So, Dave as the words of the song speak it so well.............
We've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot

Oh, we're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer.

Dave and I have come to a point in our lives when we feel unsure of where we belong.  We don't have kids but we want kids.  Many of our "friends" are not ready for kids and the issue of infertility doesn't have a place there.  But then there are the couples we really like that have children.  Their lives are so completely different from ours because of this and again we find ourselves stuck in this odd place.    Where do we belong?  What's wrong with us?   

I've come to realize the past few months as we have been slightly consumed with infertility stuff that  my friendships are not what I thought they were.  In college I had a group of friends- we were all in nursing school together- we did everything together.  I also had some pretty amazing college roommates.  Then I moved here to Nashville and I had more amazing roommates that took me in and became fast friends.   There are also the lifetime friends I've known for many, many years and with whom even though we don't talk daily, when we get a chance to talk, we easily pick right back up where we left off.   I also have my amazing sisters who will always be my best friends because they know me so completely and understand me.   

After I got married, many of my friends also got married and moved away.   Dave and I joined a Sunday School and made friends with those in the class.   We hosted parties and invited others to hang out frequently.  We've known some of them for years now and I guess I always thought that the feeling was mutual.  When you're going through a tough time in life I think it really opens your eyes to who your friends really are.  In the past several months Dave and I have not been as "social".  Life was full of doctor's appointments, bed rest, medications, etc.   I was so burned out of always inviting people, asking people out, etc.  and decided to take a break from the initiating.    Sadly, instead of others taking the initiative and calling us or inviting us out, we found no response in return at all.    Lives went on around us, and those "friends'' we thought we had kept hanging out and either chose to  leave us out or "forgot" to call us.   It seems like everyone else has friends and were the only ones that have been left out.   I just don't understand, it's so hurtful. It's  opened my eyes to the harsh reality that I need to re-evaluate the "friends" in my life.

At this point in life, I'm over the cliches, the gossip, the games.   I'm ready to start a family.  I enjoy hanging out with my husband.   I don't need hundreds of friends, I've never been one to count quantity for anything.  I've always cherished having a few extremely close "quality" friends and even though I still have those friends out there, they're not here, and I really miss that.  My prayer is that I can be that kind of friend first so that I can attract the friends I'm looking for.  None of us our perfect and I want friends who can be imperfect with me.   I want friends who really want to hang out and don't just call to be nice.   I want friends who say what they mean and mean what they say.   I don't want "nice", I want "real". 

As we go through this journey together God has grown us and taught us so much.  I know one of the things he's teaching me is I need to be a better friend.  I can't expect those friendships in my life until I become that friend.  I need to put aside "expecting" from others and open my heart instead to "give".  

Lord help me the friend I'm looking for.   

Yesterday I went in for my ultrasound- we've got one very nice looking follicle measuring a good size and one lagging just behind it.  The doctor said I was ready to be triggered so they gave me my Ovidrel shot and was told to come back today for the IUI.  I got a strong positive test last night that I am definitely ovulating, so we're ready to do this thing:)   

The procedure will take p lace at 1130am today. If you think of us please say a prayer.  

So my period decided to finally come today .   I didn't think it would ever come, and was really hoping it wouldn't and I was pregnant and we wouldn't have to go through with more procedures.  But it came so we proceed with our plan. 

Dave and I had decided we would go forward with another IUI once my period started.   So, I called NFC to get the ball rolling.  They called in my Clomid and Ovidrel shot and I picked it up.  I will do Clomid on Day 3-7 (Aug 23-27).  Then I will go in for an ultrasound on Sept 1 to check the progress of the follicles.  Once they feel there are a good amt of follicles present and mature, I will get my Ovidrel shot (triggers Ovulation).  After the shot is given, I will go back in on Sept 2 for the IUI procedure.  Hopefully Sept 2 will go down in the books as the day we conceived our little one:)

I'm very excited the time has come.  I' m a little anxious to see what the ultrasound looks like since this will be the first one following the acupuncture and herbal treatments I've been doing the past 4 months.  In our hearts we hope and pray that it has made a difference and we will be confident in a successful IUI due to the positive ultrasound.  Although the ultrasounds never guarantee a baby, if there a good number of mature follicles present, then there is a good chance it will happen.   We are hopeful!

We thank you for your prayers and thoughts!   This is a huge month for us and we welcome your prayers, encouraging words, etc.   Please feel free to leave comments for us- we love to read them!!!! 

We will keep you posted!!

Got my results today from the blood tests:

Fragile X: 46XX-    NORMAL

Karotype:  No abnormalities; Normal

This is such praise!   Praise that the results are normal, but also a praise that we have an answer.   Dave and I both feel like we will have our own children and this test confirms that that is still possible!!!!  

So Dave and I decided to go ahead with the blood tests (chromosome testing) that my doctor recommended at our post IVF consult.  At this point, we are confident that the acupuncture is helping and are excited to go back to try an IUI to see if I have better egg quality and number.  For me, there is something unsettling about not knowing what  is causing our infertility – it’s always been a broad diagnosis of premature ovarian failure, but why?  It just doesn’t make any sense.  I’m 29 yr old and healthy.  So, even though we were quite against the blood tests when they were first mentioned,  we have begun to understand the purpose of them at this point and feel ready to go ahead with them and hopefully  get a better diagnosis.

 After speaking with someone who had the testing done and found out she did have an abnormal chromosome, it made me feel a little better about going forward with it.   She said it helped her to move  ahead with adoption instead of wasting a lot of time, energy, and money into assisted reproductive procedures that were never going to work due to this particular genetic abnormality. 

Getting results on these tests have such an impact on your life, they recommend a genetic counselor to receive the results.  It can be extremely hard to receive such results that indicate an abnormality that may cause infertility or a child with severe abnormalities.  At the same time, I think it will provide peace knowing there is a reason for the infertility and that we can move forward full force with adoption. 

Last week I had the blood drawn at my clinic and so I will receive the results directly and will have to fax them to my fertility doctor.  It’s nice that I will get to see them first, but probably won’t completely understand the results until someone goes over them with us.  The tests performed were  Chromosome Analysis and Fragile X. 

Chromosome Analysis is a study of the number and general structure of all 46 chromosomes; it is also known as a karyotype.  In a standard karyotype, chromosomes from cells in the body (usually white blood cells) are counted to ensure that the cells evaluated have the correct number of chromosomes, and their structure is evaluated to ensure that there are no large pieces of material that are missing (deleted), extra (duplicated), or rearranged in any way.  

Hundreds of different types of chromosome abnormalities causing well described syndromes have been reported in humans. They fall into 2 categories:   numerical and structural.  A numerical chromosome abnormality simply means that a person has a total number of chromosomes different from 46; usually 47 or sometimes 45 chromosomes, in each cell of their body, respectively. Health problems and birth defects are usually present as  a result of having the extra or missing genetic material.  An example of a numerical chromosome abnormality is Down syndrome, which is typically caused by having an entire extra chromosome 21, for a total of three copies of chromosome 21 instead of two.

The other type of chromosome abnormality, structural, means that a portion of the genetic material has been rearranged in some way; for example, a piece of one chromosome may be attached to another chromosome (translocation), or a piece of a chromosome may be turned upside down (inversion).  A rearrangement may or may not result in obvious health problems. This depends on whether the structural problem ultimately results in a net gain or loss of chromosome material. If the chromosome material is simply in a rearranged fashion, yet all of the genetic information is present, the person may have no clinical symptoms; this is known as a “balanced” rearrangement. However, this type of chromosome rearrangement can cause the individual to have an increased chance for pregnancy losses or infants born with birth defects.  This is because chromosome rearrangements can make it difficult for the genetic information to be divided equally between each egg/sperm cell. If this occurs, and then that egg or sperm cell is used in reproduction, there can be too much or too little genetic material in the resulting fetus. The pregnancy is "unbalanced" chromosomally, and may

miscarry or result in the birth of a child with health and/or learning problems. About 1 in 500 persons in the general population carry a rearrangement in their chromosome material. Persons with family or personal histories of multiple pregnancy losses, unexplained stillbirths, or early infant deaths, may be at a slightly greater chance to have a rearrangement in their chromosomes.

Chromosome analysis is recommended as a routine diagnostic procedure for a number of

indications, but obviously for us it was due to infertility.  Chromosome abnormalities can be seen in one or the other parent in approximately 3-6% of infertility or recurrent miscarriage cases.  It’s not very common at all, but we might be that 3-6% of couples and if we are, we are ready to know. 

The thing about chromosome testing is it’s never 100% accurate, just like most things in the medical field.  For example, even when both parents have normal chromosomes and the baby has a normal chromosome study on an amniocentesis, there is still a 2-3% chance for the baby to have a birth defect. My mother and sister never had an amniocentesis performed during their pregnancies, which of course is highly advised.   The struggle I think I have with it, like my mother and sister did, is if something is wrong with the fetus- it’s still a fetus and there’s nothing I can do to change it at that time.  We don’t believe in abortion so it almost seems purposeless to complete such a test. 

The stark reality is that most of the time when an abnormality is found, the baby is aborted. Even those who go into the testing feeling like they would not choose abortion often do end up choosing abortion anyhow if a problem is diagnosed.  Although the ultimate choice is of course up to the individuals involved, there is a great deal of strong pressure for women with "abnormal" fetuses to have an abortion.  Doctors usually assume that of course a woman who has a fetus with a birth defect is going to terminate the pregnancy.  Although officially they state that these tests are for information only, unofficially women report subtle but very significant pressure to abort a pregnancy with abnormalities.  

Some couples will still do an amniocentesis even after firmly deciding that they would never choose abortion, no matter what the results are so they will know of any problems ahead of time and feel they will be more prepared.  For me, this would cause more worry and stress during the rest of the pregnancy and the anticipation of a healthy baby would be gone early on.  I have heard numerous stories of couples who were told their baby had abnormalities via amniocentesis and the baby was born perfectly healthy.  How many babies out there have been aborted that would have been completely healthy, thriving children right now?   I know this topic is so heavy and my intention is not to preach to anyone, I’m just expressing thoughts as they run through my head and the discussions Dave and I have had plenty of time to have as we wait for our baby to be created.

Fragile X was the other blood test recommended by my doctor.  Fragile X syndrome is caused by an abnormality in a single gene. Fragile X syndrome is caused by a mutation (change) in a gene called FMR-1 located on the X chromosome. 

Each of us has 23 pairs of chromosomes, or 46 individual chromosomes. The pair of sex chromosomes (X and Y) determines whether a person is male or female. Normally, females have two X chromosomes, and males have one X chromosome and one Y chromosome. Because females have two X chromosomes, a female who inherits one X chromosome with the abnormal FMR-1 gene still has the other unaffected X chromosome. Therefore, females are affected by fragile X syndrome less frequently than males. When affected, females tend to have less severe symptoms than males. Males generally are more severely affected because they have only one X chromosome, and it contains the abnormal gene. 

The mutation that causes fragile X syndrome is a genetic “stutter.” This means that a small section of genetic material within the gene is repeated too many times. Most people who do not have fragile X syndrome have between 5 and 40 repeats of this section of the gene. People who have more than 200 repeats of the gene have fragile X syndrome. More than 200 repeats is called a full mutation. A full mutation causes the gene to turn off and not make the protein it usually makes. The protein normally is found in many types of cells but mostly in nerve cells. Scientists think the protein helps brain development and may help nerve cells in the brain communicate.  

Fragile X syndrome gets its name from the appearance of the section of the X chromosome where the gene mutation occurs. In certain conditions under a microscope, the section of the chromosome looks fragile, as if it is dangling by a thread. 

We are awaiting the results on these tests, and praying for God to give us clear answers as we seek to do his will. We pray for clarity in the next steps of our journey and discernment for the big decisions ahead of us.  We pray that these results no matter what they are can provide a peace in our hearts.  

So, this month has been very odd.  Day 17 I started spotting and thought I seriously was getting my period even sooner than I was before.  I was so disappointed because acupuncture is supposed to be lengthening/regulating my cycle.  The spotting continued for Days 18, 19, and 20.  Then I returned to normal and kept figuring my period was really going to start, but it never did.  

Last Thursday  my acupuncturist told me I was either about to start my period or ovulate really late.  And funny enough that morning I had my yearly exam and the doctor also told me I was about to start my period.     Well, my period still hasn't come, but yesterday I got a strong positive LH surge.  Crazy enough this occurred on day 28.  Keep in mind for me, a normal cycle is 24 days long.   So, I have no idea what this is, but we're hoping this is it!   Since I was watching for my period and monitoring body signs closely, I was able to catch ovulation and time intercourse  just right both before and after ovulation.  So, now we wait.  

This is the month we were going to do an IUI and assumed my period would come first week of August and then I would go in for insemination by Aug 14.  Well that's not exactly what's happening, but I believe in my heat there is a reason for this delay whatever it may be.  I sure hope it's our little miracles being formed as I write this.  It's extremely odd to ovulate this late, but I hope that this craziness in my cycle is a good sign.    I had very strange stomach pain all day today and I hope that means the start of a tiny little someone being created inside me.  Something just feels different this month.  

Last week in Sunday school, the teacher simply spoke on hard times and going through them, but it was the part he spoke after that that resonated in my heart.  He said, God is at work.  Such a simple truth, I mean I "know" that, but I hadn't taken the time to really meditate on it and let it fill me with a peace throughout this journey.   Those 4 simple words were exactly what I needed to be reminded of.  All last week and this week I have kept those words at the forefront of my mind, throughout my day, and I simply smile knowing whatever is going on in the moment, the day,  the month, they year, or the past 2.5 years that makes absolutely no sense to me, it doesn't change the fact that......
GOD IS AT WORK.


Being a Christian doesn't change the fact that my life will have hard times, or hard moments, or rough patches, what it does change is the fact that I don't walk through them alone and I know that God is at work and those rough times are not the end of the story.  There's a much better ending to the story, it's our salvation in Christ and an eternity with him in heaven.  As I write this last part of my blog, I am reminded of a song that reminds me of what I just wrote, Jeremy Camp says it in his song............There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears, there will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face.  

"There Will Be a Day"   Jeremy Camp